THE NEVER NOW

I’ve been thinking about, reading, questioning and listening closely in conversations about people’s choices and life experiences. Aside from my general curiosity around the lived experiences of the varied people I get to interact with personally and witness online, I also thought I could curate a better life for myself from their wisdom, or lack thereof. While I don’t think the latter is impossible or untrue, I’ve found that an unchecked desire to course correct my life pre-emptively can also be distracting. On one hand, it has given me clarity on how meaningful the things we do have control over are. On the other hand, the reality of how easy life (and by this I mean capitalism along with all the other systems that make living less bearable as well) makes it for us to lose our grip on the intentionality required to live well.

Maybe it’s not possible for us to have everything right here right now, the world being what it is, but it’s not true that we can’t get closer to what we want. It’s not true that none of it is accessible. Your hope is the perfect size, so no point waiting, sometimes. Because what is society anyway? It’s an anthology of someones. We make it up. We make it up.

– Eloghosa Osunde

This urge to make (my) life figureoutable keeps me in this cycle of analyzing, fixating and planning for what feels like the never now. This ‘never now’ is that time when I’m finally being and doing the things that I want for myself. I realized that the cementing of the ‘never’ in this phrase was primarily as a result of waiting for the time when the conditions would be perfect. Honestly, I’m not enthusiastic about sentiments to ‘just start’ that aren’t nuanced and that’s in no way what I mean. What I am saying is that it has becoming increasingly important to me that I’m more than observing life and finding out all the ways I could be better. This has brought me to the realisation of how distracting it can be and has been to stay at examining life and self – improvement. It has also helped me catch myself when I’m overthinking realities and futures that are not mine and might never be, in the name of preparation.

I am working on being here now, even when I think now could be better. To be aware also means that I am deliberate about what I’m doing now that’s unkind and that’s keeping me further from that ‘better’. With this, I am honest with myself, sometimes even knowingly filled with shame, when I make choices that are misaligned with the things I value. This honesty in the present moment where I knowingly betray myself is important so that I don’t remain at the awareness. It is important to me that I move beyond merely knowing all the ways that I am struggling. It keeps me conscious of the ways I would not like to continue to feel and be as they happen. When that’s not enough to evoke change in me, I’m learning to have kept the people around me aware of the ways in which I’d like them to hold me accountable.

I am now certain that the (my) fixation with preparation and creating a blueprint is balanced by presence, keeping in touch with myself and all the choices I am continuously making.