When this year began, I was certain about what I wanted it to be, what God had wanted it to be for me. I had so much clarity and if you read any of the posts from earlier this year, I think you could tell. This year is my year of boldness, my year of yes and rest, finding rest. I didn’t anticipate this to feel the way it felt, the way it continues to feel. I’ve consistently squarely been in situations where these options are there for my choosing. I didn’t anticipate choosing these things to be as hard as they’ve been. I know life can’t always be a bed of roses but I don’t think anything could have prepared for me how big small things have been. Both in the positive and negative. If you follow me on Instagram and read my captions, I think it’s clear that happiness has been so easy to find this year, so simple, everywhere, in everything and I’m incredibly grateful for this. Mindfulness, that I’ve written about a number of times here has been at the center of this simplicity. On the other hand, small things that hurt have also felt like things that are bigger in the grand scheme of things. Balance has been hard to arrive at but I think as time continues to pass by, it’s getting easier.
My boldness this year has not only about saying yes to new experiences, thoughts or feelings that scare me but also saying no to things that are not welcome in my space. I remember reading a beautiful piece in the Newyorker where the author wrote, ‘…and since writing is the author’s deepest self, writing about one’s “I”, standing up for it, can feel like an aggressive act.’ Standing up for my “I” finally left my paper and started to materialize in small acts, small big acts, aggressive ones. It’s been easy sometimes difficult more often, but worth it, so worth it. As I write this, I’m right at the center of one of the difficult ones and all my comfort zone soldiers together with the hamster in my head (recently named Snail’s Shell), are working overtime to give me all of the reasons why I should say no and stay right where I am. My “I” is stronger now though and I’m confident we’ll make the right bold and aggressive choice.
It’s quite strange to write and share in real time. Like those people I consider crazy (because it’s hard to understand and quite courageous) who post on Instagram in real time, you know instantly. It feels like that, sharing things while they happen and not after, as a lot of my writing on here has been. Perhaps part of affirming my “I” is this, writing it into strength, believing her strength into triumph in this situation.
Enjoy these pictures from a day sometime back, when I really was reclaiming my “I” even when everything in me didn’t want to, felt like she couldn’t. I smiled and laughed so hard this day I cried- looking back, it was so beautiful, aggressive. I’m happy I did.
“I am making a way.” Isaiah 43
Be Kind and Have Courage,